A Marathon Submission.....

.....NO, it's not going to be a marathon long post, just a post on my reflections of my first ever marathon.

I'm sure for any long distance runner it can be quite difficult to put the physical, pyshcological, or emotional situation into words, so I don't feel so bad that I'm in that same boat.:) First, I'm so grateful that I finished. I knew, as long as nothing really wacky happened I would, but that doesn't make me less grateful. I praise God for not throwing more my way than I could handle......then that got me thinking.....doesn't He always do that? (BTW I RARELY use always or never - pet peeve). BUT (and this is a big BUT) I know with certainty that God will never give me more than I can handle, with this marathon being a prime example. To set the stage for the bigger picture of this blog, let me (as briefly as humanly and humanely possible) recap the marathon experience.

Six months ago I decided, with some reservation, to sign up for the LA Marathon. Many do not know, but this was the 3rd time I registered for a marathon, so I did doubt myself in my conviction for completion in this daunting task. However, I decided with steadfast resolve that this time would be different. It was time to take my destiny into my own hands and not let excuses prevail. Therefore I (mostly) followed a regimented training plan leading up to the race. I even calculated my playlist to pace me, wore the same outfit on my long runs so I'd be ready, and ate/drank the same things I anticipated consuming on race day. I was READY. Then 7 days before the race I looked at the forecast and almost cried. Rain was predicted, which was my second least favorite condition to run in behind wind. Yep, wind and rain were major irritants. Then I read an article about what to do the week of the marathon - the biggest advice? Rest and relax!

I know I'm bloviating a bit, but seriously the situation warrants a little expansion. It just so happens that the week of my race I found out my industry (and job) will never be the same due to the Japan earthquake. While I completely felt (and still do feel) that my industry's woes were insignificant next to what the Japanese were facing, it still did not stop waking up at 1am worrying about what my customers were going to do. So much for rest. And the weather predictions were getting worse by the day - adding wind to the rain forecast! Really?!!?!?!

Race weekend approaches and I KNOW I can complete the race despite some adversity. Yeah, it was going to rain with wind, yeah I didn't get alot of sleep that week, but I knew in the core of my gut that on Sunday I was going to cross that finish line. On race day, on top of the aforementioned issues, it took us 2 hours to get to the race - did I mention we were 4 miles via freeway away? Oh well i I miraculously made it there before the start! Then the rain came.....because it wasn't raining and it looked ok for a bit I decided to ditch my jacket but keep the gloves. 7 miles into the race I was drenched. I had planned for this by giving back-up shoes, socks, a jacket, spare gloves, etc. to my boyfriend just in case and then I could just call him and we could meet up and all would be right with the world.........and then it happened. In all the windy downpour, somehow my iPhone decided that it was going to stick to its "non-waterproof" mantra and give out on me. The issues are too technical but bottom line I lost all communication. At mile 14 on a whim I picked up a foil wrap to keep me warm until I could meet up with Rob - this little piece of wrap saved me from hypothermia and allowed me to finish the race. Why? Because my phone wasn't working I was never able to meet up with Rob. I had no back up. Anyway, long long long story not nearly short enough, in a high wind (yeah me) deluge (I really wish I had video to back up how bad this storm was), I finished the marathon in a sprint! Yes, I was almost 27 minutes behind where I wanted to be but I crossed that finish line! And now, hours later, I feel incredible and amazing and at peace. Which brings me to my thoughts.........

Isn't a marathon much like any major issue we have in life? This marathon has inspired me to tackle one of my personal issues (details not relevant to the entry). When you think about it, aren't most "issues" we have in life a long term commitment in solving? For me personally, I think about my marathon - I did everything right to make this marathon just as I wanted. I lived by example, I overly prepared for the situation, and I KNEW that I would succeed. BUT, I didn't succeed in the time frame I personally wanted. My most relevant questions are why not and who cares? Why not? Well, several circumstances outside my control may have caused a little slowing AND perhaps I could have tried just a little harder in certain situations. And I really need to have a back up plan so I don't freeze. Why my second question? Because in the scheme of things life's issues are all about overcoming and succeeding, not a timeline on when they will happen. So if it takes me a little longer to accomplish, especially when taking the outside influences, then that's ok with me. And as I said before, God would NEVER give me more than I can handle.

And so was how I did in the marathon........ok with me and enough for me to handle. :)

Run on, Live on.....

XOXO

Tiffany

The Last Day of School.......

Today is an odd day and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. For the last 6+ months, I've been a fairly one-dimensional character in this movie we call life. And my one dimension has been cooking school. I am quite certain I've bored my friends to tears talking about culinary techniques, the intricacies of sauce building, the finesse of carving various proteins, the flavor marriages in cuisines I've sampled (ya get the idea......I've been into it). I can not tell you how many evenings I would come home at 2am completely wired, unable to sleep because I was processing and reprocessing and absorbing and contemplating the knowledge I had just been given about that night's subject matter. Or I would lie awake pondering something Chef said or something Chef asked. And I can not remember dreaming this much about food and food topics.

Having said that over the last few weeks the classes have not had as big an impact as the majority of the previous sessions. I am not sure if it is the subject matter, or me just getting burned out, or what........but I'm kinda glad to have a break from the 20+ hour Mondays......

I am truly sad to be parting ways with some of the people I've grown accustomed to seeing on a regular basis. I love to hang out with these people, joke with these people, and I love to cook with these people. It has been a blessing and an honor to know so many of my classmates and the staff. My memory bank is so full of warm and fuzzy recollections from these past 6 months.

I will treasure these memories........how many people get the opportunity to eat a chicken foot? Or create lobster butter? Or set flame to something on purpose (ok this one may be common but still it is cool)? Or get a tour from a world renowned produce expert.....in his 80s and who was giving a tour to the Chinese government reps the next day!? Or almost spill wine on the Iron Chef Chairman? Or get yelled at for eating with my fingers or not cutting on a cutting board like I was a 12-year-old? Or put a piece of kitchen equipment in wrong and take 10 minutes to figure out why the heck it is not working properly? Or confuse my twin classmates the entire length of this program? Or fight with a dastardly black cod's pin bones for 20 minutes before figuring out that I was deboning it COMPLETELY wrong? Or get a tour and special tasting menu from one of the most famous restaurants in the country? Or touch - let alone work with -caul fat (don't ask....just google and see for yourself)? Or make the wrong recipe in the first friggin' class? Or make some really tasty stocks from scratch.....and puff pastry from scratch......and French buttercream from scratch.........and mayo from scratch? Or....and this is a big or.....or bond with men and women that I don't think I would ever have crossed paths with had it not been for this time and place in history at this school?

A part of me feels relief at the completion but a big part of me is sad today. I've been trying to figure out all morning why I was grumpy and now I think I know why. The end of this particular chapter of my life is coming to a close and a big part of me will miss it. Yes I like to moan about the hours and dishes and the mopping..........but I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything in the world. Well.....maybe the mopping.

To all of my classmates, TAs, and to my Chef instructor - I can only quote Bob Hope right now because in this very rare instance I am at a loss for words and getting a little too weepy for my taste.................Thanks for the memories.

Is optomism over-rated?

As this week winds down and I find myself in a position to either get a few more 'ta-dos' done at work or ponder life so...... pondering life wins. What can I say? I'm a dreamer and a procrastinator all rolled into one.....not the best combo for an employee at a day job 20 minutes before quittin' time. Yep. I'm in a ponder mood. And a good mood. Actually I need to correct myself......a great mood!

So then I pondered (since I'm in the mode and mood) about why I'm in such a great mood! Well, things in general are going in the right direction for me right now! WooHoo! Culinary school is winding down, I'm actually losing weight in a healthy manner, and I think progress is on the horizon in the areas of my life where I have had obstacles in the past. AND my boyfriend will be home from a week-long business trip. Life is GREAT! (Good doesn't do it justice).

But since I don't easily fall out of ponder mode it got me thinking about losing it all. Where did that thought come from? That is not very optimistic - much more pessimistic don't ya think? So I had a choice to make - consider the happiness or consider the sadness. So about as quickly as it entered my mind I shoved it out with brute force. And I did that because I'm a realistic optimist.

While I do not kid myself into thinking that life will not always be rosy, I try to think of the worst that can happen and really it's not all that bad (unless maybe it all happens at once but I would take the Vegas odds on that not happening). And on top of all of that, worrying about what bad things MIGHT happen does me absolutely no good! While I think it is vital to be conscientious about what it takes to maintain happiness and not take life (or people) for granted, I believe that taking the path of assuming life will be great as long as I keep up my end of the bargain is really the only way to go. Boy howdy was that a run-on sentence if I've ever seen one.

Anyway, I just want to say that I love being an optimist. Wish there were more optimists in this world..........

Niches........

This week I was asked not once, but TWICE, what my niche is. The first person to ask me was my culinary instructor, Cecilia. We were talking about what I would most enjoy doing after I finish culinary school. I told her about catering, but she persisted with more questions - like if I could do ANYTHING with my new-found knowledge......what would it be? After a little thought, I told her that I think I would love to teach others to cook. She thought that sounded like a great idea (a sigh of relief came over me....phew). THEN the other shoe dropped - she asked what exactly would I like to teach? What would be my specialty, my niche? I probably looked like a dear in the headlights b/c I no idea what my niche in cooking is or what it should be. She said I really should try to figure that out and start honing those skills. I have hardly slept since that conversation 3 days ago.

The second person to ask me this question was the VP at my day job after my year-end review yesterday. My boss, my VP, and I went over last year's progress and this year's goals. They were pleased with my performance and were talking about how I can reach the goals I set for myself this year. Review over...time for lunch - woohoo! Free lunch! Not so fast - there's no such thing as a free lunch - more business talk ensued. My VP casually asked me what I thought my niche in sales was. Huh? Again, dear in the headlights. Over the last 2 years at this job I just do what I think I'm supposed to and business happens. Yeah me. It never crossed my mind to think about what part of it was my favorite or where I excelled. So I just answered on what part I liked the most (hoping liking and niche could be close to the same thing).

Honestly, both have me stumped. And now I'm in over-analyzing mode. And I'm entering that phase of delving into what I'm not good at in order to hopefully weed out those pesky niches. Dang those niches! And the scariest part? What if I'm decent at several things but have no "niche" where I'm great at something? Maybe average multitasking IS my niche?

Oh well. It's January 2010 and I now have another resolution! Find my niche!

New Year, New Decade

As the year and the decade wind down, I just wanted to take a moment to step back and look at my life since 2000. This has been my decade of (personal-wise) highs and ultimate lows, but as of December 31, 2009 - I feel better about my self, my life, and my soul than I did most of the decade. I went through a long period of ultimate lows, where I really didn't like who I was or what I was doing, living each day pretending to be a different person than the shallow, ugly person below the surface. After I hit my lowest low, I realized that below the fake surface, and below the shallow, ugly person, there was a good, sweet, kind individual who was dying to reemerge. So each day since my epiphany, I have worked through the latter part of the decade to peel away that ugly layer on top of the real me - the new me. It layered over and over again during the mid-2000's so I continue to work at peeling those layers......microdermabrasion for the soul so to speak. :-) And now I'm loving life more than I can ever remember in my post-college adulthood.

So while I do not believe the next decade will be all sunshine and lollipops, I feel hope and confidence that from a purely personal standpoint, it's going to be a much healthier and happier decade. Many more highs, and hopefully the lows aren't very low. I pray that I will continue to grow and improve - because let's face it, ALL of us have room for improvement. I hope to be a little less bossy, a little more patient, and a little less of a procrastinator. But most of all, I hope and promise to try my best to be a kinder person. That is my decade resolution. So.....Bring it on 2010!!!! And bring it on this next decade - I'm ready, head held high.

Happy New Year!!

TiffoBiffo

*******I need to clarify something. My mom pointed out that it sounds like I thought I was a bad person - I don't believe I was ever a "bad person" - just a person who made bad decisions. And after realizing the ramifications of these decisions, I have learned so much and think it's actually enriched my life and my appreciation for kindness and long-term thought processing.

This message was never intended to be of a negative tone and for that I apologize for any confusion. It was supposed to be a message of hope and goodness for the present and the future. I'm truly sorry if it was read any other way.

Birthdays and the Big Picture

Today is my birthday. I LOVE my birthday. Thirty three years ago I joined the human population and have evolved many times over since then. I like to look back at the good, at the present good, and at the future good. Yep - today I'm ignoring any of my own character flaws or improvements I need to make. Today is ALL good.

One thing I can say about this birthday is that I like who I am, what I am, and what I'm not more than I have in a really long time. This past year (actually 2) has given me more wisdom about who I really am deep down. I like that I'm goofy, witty, and creative. I like that my brain thinks tangently random. I like that I am a genuinely happy person who likes most people. I like that I'm less selfish than I used to be. I like that I mostly like to play by the rules but not always. I like that I exercise regularly yet sporadically sometimes. I like that I love to cook and finally am doing more of it. I like that I'm on Facebook and have reconnected with so many amazing people from my past. I like that I have ugly feet with pretty nail polish on my toenails. I like that I get so excited about the little things in life. I like that I like to write, even if it's not a ton at a time. I like that I'm not afraid of that much - whether it be a tackling a new hobby, change in general, getting older, work, others not liking me.....none of those really scare me anymore. I like that I like to pay it forward. And I like that when you meet me, what you see is what you get.

While I'm on the subject of birthdays, I just want to interject something. NO ONE should ever be sad on their birthday. Especially about getting older......why? Because it is an exercise of (or in...not sure) futility to be sad about getting older. 100% of the people on this planet (and the animals and the plants and the bugs) age. There is not one single solitary thing you can do so why in the heck worry about it or be sad about it? Seriously.....you are officially older right this second as you read this sentence than you were when you started reading this blog. To me, I don't think about getting older that much. I don't really think about time too much. It makes me chuckle when people say "Can you believe it's already August?" Why yes.....yes I do believe it's already August. It happens 31 days after the beginning of July - time happens!!!! Not so profound. And no one should choose their birthday to reflect on the nots and the bads....let that be on another day - like New Year's Day when you are working on resolutions. Don't do it on the day your parents brought you into the world!!! It's a dishonor to them - they brought you here with endless possibilities! And for me (and for you the reader) life is still full of those possibilities. I think we all have taken advantage of many of these and are so lucky to have experienced so much! At 33, I look back and think about what a rich life I've lead thus far and how I can't wait to fill up the next 33 then the next 33. I have the biggest grin on my face as I type this.

To my mom and dad.......thanks for having me. Y'all did a great job raising me, and I loved my childhood. Thank you for providing me with love, discipline, hope, opportunity, faith, and laughter. I still remember y'all telling me the story of how dad made ribs and mom was eating them - full blown preggers - when Nadia scored the first ever perfect 10 at the Olympics - I was born a few days later. Not sure why I just shared this story - it just popped into my head. But that could explain why I love ribs so much!

Anyway, so far my birthday has been perfect. Some of you reading may think I'm crazy or perhaps self-involved.......what can I say - I think we should all take 1 little day to think that we totally kick ass - there are 365 days a year - it won't hurt for just one day! For those of you with a birthday coming up, I highly encourage you to reflect on what you love about yourself, what you have done so far, what you want to do......birthdays are all about YOU. Or in this case today.....all about ME. ;-)

XOXO~

33 and Fancy Free

Tiff’s Texas Tour of Babies 2009 – Part II – Do I want one?

Before, during, and after my visit the question of wanting children was posed to me countless times, usually in a very casual manner along the same lines of “do you want sweetener in your coffee?” Yet the question of wanting a child is so complex that it is almost insulting to the potential unborn child to say ‘sure’ or ‘not so much’…… This is human life we’re talking about after all. So it got me to thinking about what I feel are good and bad rationales to have children. I’ll start with the bad and finish on the good. And I wish I could more eloquently describe - but "good" and "bad" is vague enough for you the reader to interpret what I mean so I just went with it. It's my blog and I can do what I want to. :-p

Bad Reasons………There is a sad fact in the world today. I believe too many people are having children for the wrong reasons, and I intend NEVER to be one of them. I capitalize ‘never’ because I rarely use absolutes; however in this instance I feel compelled to get my point across. Throughout my adult life, I have felt subconscious pressures to become a mother – and most of the pressures were not positive. I do not blame this on any individual or group but more society in general. Several child-baring motivations that I find the most offensive are: a) because you want to save your marriage; b) because all your friends and/or siblings have kids; c) because you’d be a good mom so why not; d) because you want to have something to show for your life; e) because you won’t be a complete person without having a child. Pardon the harshness but I find one common thread between all of these is the whole selfish factor. Each one of these justifications makes the mom or dad feel better about themselves or tries to help them improve their lives. In my heart and in my conscience, I fully believe these are not only selfish reasons to have a kid – but boy howdy does it put enough pressure on said child before he/she is even born? You (and by you I don’t mean you the reader I mean a general reference to humankind)…ok back to writing. Where was I? Oh yeah….pressure on the zygote. Ok, so this poor kid comes into the world and before he/she can even hold his/her head upright and is expected to fix your marriage, keep you up with the Joneses, show off your maternal/paternal skills, be your show-n-tell at the playground, and/or complete you? I feel that if potential parents-to-be take an honest look in the mirror and assess their true motivations behind parenthood, there would be far fewer screwed up and spoiled people walking around these days.

Good Reasons……..Having said all of that (and some of y’all reading perhaps I touched a nerve and you’re ticked at me thus far but I promise to make it up to you here), there are some fantastic inspirations behind why many, many people today decide to give life. If you want to give birth because you believe you can put a decent human on this earth who can make it a better place, that’s a great place to start. If you want to give most of yourself and the best of yourself to help cultivate a child into a positive adult, I think that’s another joyous and wonderful cause for parenthood. There are tons of other pure and fantastic motives to have a child – some of which are difficult to articulate. The best way (I guess) that I can express it is that deep-down, below the surface, subconscious KNOWING that you are meant to have a child….more than a just a want – I guess you’d equate it more to a yearn. Kinda like you’d ache if you didn’t try your hardest to have a child and you can’t explain why, but you are quite certain that none of the ‘bad reasons’ listed above is the driving force deep down in your gut.

And after all that milling around is done on whether to proactively seek parenthood, you THEN realize that was the easy part! Yikes. The real work begins. From here on out just about every decision you make is influenced by the child in some way, shape, or fashion. On top of that, you are bringing him/her into a pretty terrifying world – yes, there are many lovely people, places, etc. for them to see but there is also some crazy evil out there as well. And you can’t protect them from every single scary nugget they will encounter – get real! To steal a phrase from my new-mom-stepsis, you want to insulate them from the world but not isolate them from reality. Now how in the ever-livin, ever-lovin heck you are supposed to find that balance beats the crappola out of me. And the level of discipline? And the amount of routine vs. flexibility? And pushing him/her too much or not enough? The list of decisions goes on and on and on and each and every one of them is paramount to how they will mature into adulthood. Daunting. I physically just got a chill thinking about it. Because in the end, if you do something a bit too extreme in one way or another it can have ramifications that last for YEARS deep down in his/her psyche, and it can affect how they parent their children so in a way you are affecting your own grandchildren and great-grandchildren and so on. Sorry for the run-on sentence – I was on a roll.

So you have all these decisions and you’ve got it all figured out in your perfect world right? Not-sa-much. Let’s throw a “Life’s Curveball” at you and THEN see how you parent. Something in life doesn’t go your way (and don’t kid yourself – some curveball, whether golfball, baseball, or basketball in size is headed your way) – divorce is a great example or the unexpected death of your parent is another or loss of a job – and you start getting a bit selfish in your decision-making. You start making choices that are best for you without regard to your children’s future or development. I’m not judging here – I don’t know how anyone could be selfless for at least 18 years while they are minors and beyond – I’m just pointing out what I’ve seen. When the going gets tough, most folks get selfish (I confess I fall into this category at times but am working on it). Ok, so you’ve made some selfish decisions - it happens……how long until you get back on that selfless train? It’s a doozy and I don’t envy those parents. Another chill just now.

At the end of all this pondering, I come back to the original question posed to me – Do I want children? I first want to say I have two amazing parents that would exceed anyone’s expectations – they love me unconditionally, they encouraged me, they didn’t spoil me too much, they aren’t overbearing, they let me make mistakes – all in all, they did a great job and I’m so happy I had folks that ‘got it’ as far as balancing a kid goes. But I digress (yet again - happens alot in my blog dontcha think?). Back to the question…..While I do not have a simple answer, I can say this. If I were ever blessed with becoming pregnant, I would try my 100% best to love him/her unconditionally, insulate (thx again for the great word Brandi) him/her from the malevolence out there in today's society, nurture him/her, and pass some of my better traits along. I would also try (at least) to correct some of my character flaws they may inherit so that they are better than I could ever be. With all that said, I currently am not motivated to proactively seek parenthood. There....I said it. Mystery solved. That guttural instinct or biological clock or whatever it is you want to call it has not ticked inside me - at least not for a while (it did in my twenties but now that I'm in my thirties I often question any of the logic I used back in my twenties). And when I do get an inkling, I try to identify the root cause for it and usually those root causes do not justify jumping on the next Clomid train. I'm sure some of you are thinking - "But what about when she held those sweet babies?" - Well of course when I held those sweet babies I wanted one! Who wouldn’t?! They are sweet and soft and vulnerable and pure and they smelled so good and my heart swelled when I was in their presence (again, apologies for the bad grammar and run-on). But it’s a short-term want and I am grateful that I can recognize it as such. As for long-term, I feel that I am a complete person with a very full life and have tons of love to go around to other people’s kids (like those little darlings I hung out with this weekend). Thankfully I’ve let go of the pressure to “have to” have kids.

As for all you parents, parents-to-be, and on-the-fence-but-leaning-towards potential parents, I admire you and am humbled by you. Your strength and courage and selflessness astounds me and I will forever be thankful for folks like you in the world. And for those of you who have chosen the route like mine, I must say I admire you too. Those subconscious pressures out there can be very persuasive and sometimes it takes some audacity and tenacity to stand up to it. I should know - I had the Clomid prescription in hand at one point. And for those out there who aren’t sure, I can’t encourage you enough to search deep within – you’ll make the right choice if you dig enough.

Next blog…. MUCH lighter fare to chew on…..this was some deep stuff and I’m spent……I’m thinking it will be food or wine motivated since that is often what motivates me. Tootles for now!