Birthdays and the Big Picture

Today is my birthday. I LOVE my birthday. Thirty three years ago I joined the human population and have evolved many times over since then. I like to look back at the good, at the present good, and at the future good. Yep - today I'm ignoring any of my own character flaws or improvements I need to make. Today is ALL good.

One thing I can say about this birthday is that I like who I am, what I am, and what I'm not more than I have in a really long time. This past year (actually 2) has given me more wisdom about who I really am deep down. I like that I'm goofy, witty, and creative. I like that my brain thinks tangently random. I like that I am a genuinely happy person who likes most people. I like that I'm less selfish than I used to be. I like that I mostly like to play by the rules but not always. I like that I exercise regularly yet sporadically sometimes. I like that I love to cook and finally am doing more of it. I like that I'm on Facebook and have reconnected with so many amazing people from my past. I like that I have ugly feet with pretty nail polish on my toenails. I like that I get so excited about the little things in life. I like that I like to write, even if it's not a ton at a time. I like that I'm not afraid of that much - whether it be a tackling a new hobby, change in general, getting older, work, others not liking me.....none of those really scare me anymore. I like that I like to pay it forward. And I like that when you meet me, what you see is what you get.

While I'm on the subject of birthdays, I just want to interject something. NO ONE should ever be sad on their birthday. Especially about getting older......why? Because it is an exercise of (or in...not sure) futility to be sad about getting older. 100% of the people on this planet (and the animals and the plants and the bugs) age. There is not one single solitary thing you can do so why in the heck worry about it or be sad about it? Seriously.....you are officially older right this second as you read this sentence than you were when you started reading this blog. To me, I don't think about getting older that much. I don't really think about time too much. It makes me chuckle when people say "Can you believe it's already August?" Why yes.....yes I do believe it's already August. It happens 31 days after the beginning of July - time happens!!!! Not so profound. And no one should choose their birthday to reflect on the nots and the bads....let that be on another day - like New Year's Day when you are working on resolutions. Don't do it on the day your parents brought you into the world!!! It's a dishonor to them - they brought you here with endless possibilities! And for me (and for you the reader) life is still full of those possibilities. I think we all have taken advantage of many of these and are so lucky to have experienced so much! At 33, I look back and think about what a rich life I've lead thus far and how I can't wait to fill up the next 33 then the next 33. I have the biggest grin on my face as I type this.

To my mom and dad.......thanks for having me. Y'all did a great job raising me, and I loved my childhood. Thank you for providing me with love, discipline, hope, opportunity, faith, and laughter. I still remember y'all telling me the story of how dad made ribs and mom was eating them - full blown preggers - when Nadia scored the first ever perfect 10 at the Olympics - I was born a few days later. Not sure why I just shared this story - it just popped into my head. But that could explain why I love ribs so much!

Anyway, so far my birthday has been perfect. Some of you reading may think I'm crazy or perhaps self-involved.......what can I say - I think we should all take 1 little day to think that we totally kick ass - there are 365 days a year - it won't hurt for just one day! For those of you with a birthday coming up, I highly encourage you to reflect on what you love about yourself, what you have done so far, what you want to do......birthdays are all about YOU. Or in this case today.....all about ME. ;-)

XOXO~

33 and Fancy Free

Tiff’s Texas Tour of Babies 2009 – Part II – Do I want one?

Before, during, and after my visit the question of wanting children was posed to me countless times, usually in a very casual manner along the same lines of “do you want sweetener in your coffee?” Yet the question of wanting a child is so complex that it is almost insulting to the potential unborn child to say ‘sure’ or ‘not so much’…… This is human life we’re talking about after all. So it got me to thinking about what I feel are good and bad rationales to have children. I’ll start with the bad and finish on the good. And I wish I could more eloquently describe - but "good" and "bad" is vague enough for you the reader to interpret what I mean so I just went with it. It's my blog and I can do what I want to. :-p

Bad Reasons………There is a sad fact in the world today. I believe too many people are having children for the wrong reasons, and I intend NEVER to be one of them. I capitalize ‘never’ because I rarely use absolutes; however in this instance I feel compelled to get my point across. Throughout my adult life, I have felt subconscious pressures to become a mother – and most of the pressures were not positive. I do not blame this on any individual or group but more society in general. Several child-baring motivations that I find the most offensive are: a) because you want to save your marriage; b) because all your friends and/or siblings have kids; c) because you’d be a good mom so why not; d) because you want to have something to show for your life; e) because you won’t be a complete person without having a child. Pardon the harshness but I find one common thread between all of these is the whole selfish factor. Each one of these justifications makes the mom or dad feel better about themselves or tries to help them improve their lives. In my heart and in my conscience, I fully believe these are not only selfish reasons to have a kid – but boy howdy does it put enough pressure on said child before he/she is even born? You (and by you I don’t mean you the reader I mean a general reference to humankind)…ok back to writing. Where was I? Oh yeah….pressure on the zygote. Ok, so this poor kid comes into the world and before he/she can even hold his/her head upright and is expected to fix your marriage, keep you up with the Joneses, show off your maternal/paternal skills, be your show-n-tell at the playground, and/or complete you? I feel that if potential parents-to-be take an honest look in the mirror and assess their true motivations behind parenthood, there would be far fewer screwed up and spoiled people walking around these days.

Good Reasons……..Having said all of that (and some of y’all reading perhaps I touched a nerve and you’re ticked at me thus far but I promise to make it up to you here), there are some fantastic inspirations behind why many, many people today decide to give life. If you want to give birth because you believe you can put a decent human on this earth who can make it a better place, that’s a great place to start. If you want to give most of yourself and the best of yourself to help cultivate a child into a positive adult, I think that’s another joyous and wonderful cause for parenthood. There are tons of other pure and fantastic motives to have a child – some of which are difficult to articulate. The best way (I guess) that I can express it is that deep-down, below the surface, subconscious KNOWING that you are meant to have a child….more than a just a want – I guess you’d equate it more to a yearn. Kinda like you’d ache if you didn’t try your hardest to have a child and you can’t explain why, but you are quite certain that none of the ‘bad reasons’ listed above is the driving force deep down in your gut.

And after all that milling around is done on whether to proactively seek parenthood, you THEN realize that was the easy part! Yikes. The real work begins. From here on out just about every decision you make is influenced by the child in some way, shape, or fashion. On top of that, you are bringing him/her into a pretty terrifying world – yes, there are many lovely people, places, etc. for them to see but there is also some crazy evil out there as well. And you can’t protect them from every single scary nugget they will encounter – get real! To steal a phrase from my new-mom-stepsis, you want to insulate them from the world but not isolate them from reality. Now how in the ever-livin, ever-lovin heck you are supposed to find that balance beats the crappola out of me. And the level of discipline? And the amount of routine vs. flexibility? And pushing him/her too much or not enough? The list of decisions goes on and on and on and each and every one of them is paramount to how they will mature into adulthood. Daunting. I physically just got a chill thinking about it. Because in the end, if you do something a bit too extreme in one way or another it can have ramifications that last for YEARS deep down in his/her psyche, and it can affect how they parent their children so in a way you are affecting your own grandchildren and great-grandchildren and so on. Sorry for the run-on sentence – I was on a roll.

So you have all these decisions and you’ve got it all figured out in your perfect world right? Not-sa-much. Let’s throw a “Life’s Curveball” at you and THEN see how you parent. Something in life doesn’t go your way (and don’t kid yourself – some curveball, whether golfball, baseball, or basketball in size is headed your way) – divorce is a great example or the unexpected death of your parent is another or loss of a job – and you start getting a bit selfish in your decision-making. You start making choices that are best for you without regard to your children’s future or development. I’m not judging here – I don’t know how anyone could be selfless for at least 18 years while they are minors and beyond – I’m just pointing out what I’ve seen. When the going gets tough, most folks get selfish (I confess I fall into this category at times but am working on it). Ok, so you’ve made some selfish decisions - it happens……how long until you get back on that selfless train? It’s a doozy and I don’t envy those parents. Another chill just now.

At the end of all this pondering, I come back to the original question posed to me – Do I want children? I first want to say I have two amazing parents that would exceed anyone’s expectations – they love me unconditionally, they encouraged me, they didn’t spoil me too much, they aren’t overbearing, they let me make mistakes – all in all, they did a great job and I’m so happy I had folks that ‘got it’ as far as balancing a kid goes. But I digress (yet again - happens alot in my blog dontcha think?). Back to the question…..While I do not have a simple answer, I can say this. If I were ever blessed with becoming pregnant, I would try my 100% best to love him/her unconditionally, insulate (thx again for the great word Brandi) him/her from the malevolence out there in today's society, nurture him/her, and pass some of my better traits along. I would also try (at least) to correct some of my character flaws they may inherit so that they are better than I could ever be. With all that said, I currently am not motivated to proactively seek parenthood. There....I said it. Mystery solved. That guttural instinct or biological clock or whatever it is you want to call it has not ticked inside me - at least not for a while (it did in my twenties but now that I'm in my thirties I often question any of the logic I used back in my twenties). And when I do get an inkling, I try to identify the root cause for it and usually those root causes do not justify jumping on the next Clomid train. I'm sure some of you are thinking - "But what about when she held those sweet babies?" - Well of course when I held those sweet babies I wanted one! Who wouldn’t?! They are sweet and soft and vulnerable and pure and they smelled so good and my heart swelled when I was in their presence (again, apologies for the bad grammar and run-on). But it’s a short-term want and I am grateful that I can recognize it as such. As for long-term, I feel that I am a complete person with a very full life and have tons of love to go around to other people’s kids (like those little darlings I hung out with this weekend). Thankfully I’ve let go of the pressure to “have to” have kids.

As for all you parents, parents-to-be, and on-the-fence-but-leaning-towards potential parents, I admire you and am humbled by you. Your strength and courage and selflessness astounds me and I will forever be thankful for folks like you in the world. And for those of you who have chosen the route like mine, I must say I admire you too. Those subconscious pressures out there can be very persuasive and sometimes it takes some audacity and tenacity to stand up to it. I should know - I had the Clomid prescription in hand at one point. And for those out there who aren’t sure, I can’t encourage you enough to search deep within – you’ll make the right choice if you dig enough.

Next blog…. MUCH lighter fare to chew on…..this was some deep stuff and I’m spent……I’m thinking it will be food or wine motivated since that is often what motivates me. Tootles for now!

Tiff’s Texas Tour of Babies 2009 – Part I - Observations

So I just returned from a short jaunt to Texas to formally introduce myself to 2 newcomers on this lovely planet of ours. First stop – South Fort Worth to meet my 9 week old nephew, Lincoln. Second stop – Flower Mound to meet 6 week old college roommate baby, Landry. So off I went on this adventure of unchartered territory for me – newborns. What the heck do I know about newborns? I know you have to support their necks, and that they like to be bounced around, and for boys I knew that they can sneak a “spray” during changing time so ya gotta watch out for that. Other than that? CLUELESS.

One of the first things that really struck me was how poignantly aware these little individuals are. Every single millisecond their eyes are open, they are on high-alert, soak-in-the-surroundings mode……if I could put it into adult analogies (which everyone knows I love)…..they remind me of some kind of CSI agent – assessing the scene around them, making sure they do not miss even one minute detail, trying to make sense of what it is they are seeing. I guess the major flaw in this analogy is that babies seem to relish and enjoy the amazing scene they’ve just stumbled upon, which I am guessing is not the case with most CSI investigations. But I digress.

I was overwhelmed by how vulnerable these teeny human beings are. When you are carrying them around, they don’t even hang on yet – they 100% rely and trust you not to drop them (and NO all you haters out there, I didn’t drop anyone!). They 100% rely and trust that you (actually their mom’s boobs) are going to feed them. They 100% rely and trust that you won’t let them drown in the bath, that you will put them in warm enough clothes, that you will keep them dry and de-soiled. They rely on you for EVERYTHING. They can’t even grip a whole lot yet (unless it’s hair, a necklace, or an earring).

Another quite obvious observation is how much they eat, sleep, and poo/pee. There is not a huge amount of playtime with them at this age. However I must admit that watching them during those precious playtime moments are mesmerizing……you want to make sure you hear each and every gurgle and catch every last facial expression. But back to the E S & PP…..the quantity of all of them is mind boggling. SO much nursing, SO many naps, and SOOOO much of the poos and pees. And the more I thought of the male aspect of the whole experience this weekend it made me think..... how much is really going to change between now and when they get much older? They will still love to sleep, will still love to poop, will still love to eat, and will still appreciate boobs even if it is in an entirely different fashion. Come to think of it, men really are simple creatures.

On to parenting styles…..where to begin. I believe both sets of parents are laid back and go-with-the-flow but it amazed me how many differences there can be in parenting style at this age. I know what you’re thinking….”well Duh Tiffany” – aside: I’m glad the use of “No Duh” is no longer popular in the common English vernacular – it’s demeaning but in this instance I’m sure it crept into your subconcious. But I’m talking the iddy biddy differences. For example - # of times the diaper gets changed. One parent set went through 5-ish diapers a day making sure he squeezed out enough #2 to justify the change, yet the other set changed after each pee which resulted in more of a 10+ daily diaper allotment. Neither is wrong and quite frankly I don’t know where I’d be on this sliding scale, it’s just an observation about how a minor philosophical detail can be so different from 2 parental points of view.

What I must compliment also is the papa involvement from both fathers. If I ever get knocked up…..er….or “blessed with child” I guess I should say……….the baby daddy better be prepared for teamwork. I heard a story of a dad sleeping in another room so he could get good rest during his kid’s first 3 months of life and let the mom handle the midnight issues since she was on maternity leave. BS in a BIG WAY Mister! I’d wake that a-hole up on purpose whether he helped or not. The way I see it, if the baby is 50% my egg and 50% his sperm – that should also compute to the lack of sleep percentages. Just sayin. (And pardon the quasi-French usage.....it really ticked me off when I heard that.)

What I loved to watch most were the moms. These two wonderful women are so in tuned to what their baby wants and when they want it. Both of these moms have softened - not that they were harsh before - there is just something so serene and gentle about them now. AND what’s even more incredible is that the baby knows exactly when their mother is holding him – ya can’t fool a baby. Not grandma, not aunt, not friend, and not daddy can sub in at those times – ONLY mama will do. Extraordinary phenomenon. But then when I think about, sometimes I need comfort and support; and as sweet as my friends are, as supportive as my dear sweet Rob can be, as loving and kind as my dad is, sometimes no one will do except for my mother. I need to hear what SHE has to say about the situation, what HER opinions are, whether or not SHE approves – I believe this very well could have stemmed from birth after watching these two little guys this weekend.

At the end of it all, I can tell you with utmost (albeit opinionated) certainty, that one of the best feelings I’ve ever had throughout my existence here on Earth (so I guess I'll have to exclude that Jupiter stint a few years back.....sorry....just making an observation about my own bloviating) is having a baby sleep on my chest as I relaxed and held him (this goes for both babies - see pics above). I envy their sleep. I wish I could slumber as deeply and purely and soundly as they do. One mom asked me what I thought they dreamed about……..other than the obvious milk & boob conquest on the good side, and the nightmare trip through the suffocating birth canal on the nightmare side, I can’t think of much that would make them restless, or in need of a sleep aid or cocktail to help them doze.....must be nice. They don't need a paper and pen by the bed to help them go back to sleep. But enough about sleep. Another certainty (again, my opinion but in this blog my opinion is law so HA!) I can remember very few times in my life where I have been more enamored with anyone or anything while just watching them move or make faces. The level of entertainment provided by those wiggly arms and legs, that head that wants to be steady but often is just too heavy to hold upright, or that cute little diaper baby butt that seems to calm them down when you pat it while bouncing them – it’s better than a “Real Housewives of New Jersey” marathon on Bravo!

And I can’t remember being asked sooooo frequently, “Does this experience make you want to have one?” Pretty simple question to throw out at someone dontcha think? Hmph. But a very deep, complicated, complex answer. More to follow on the next blog………..Part II – Do I want one?