Tiff’s Texas Tour of Babies 2009 – Part II – Do I want one?

Before, during, and after my visit the question of wanting children was posed to me countless times, usually in a very casual manner along the same lines of “do you want sweetener in your coffee?” Yet the question of wanting a child is so complex that it is almost insulting to the potential unborn child to say ‘sure’ or ‘not so much’…… This is human life we’re talking about after all. So it got me to thinking about what I feel are good and bad rationales to have children. I’ll start with the bad and finish on the good. And I wish I could more eloquently describe - but "good" and "bad" is vague enough for you the reader to interpret what I mean so I just went with it. It's my blog and I can do what I want to. :-p

Bad Reasons………There is a sad fact in the world today. I believe too many people are having children for the wrong reasons, and I intend NEVER to be one of them. I capitalize ‘never’ because I rarely use absolutes; however in this instance I feel compelled to get my point across. Throughout my adult life, I have felt subconscious pressures to become a mother – and most of the pressures were not positive. I do not blame this on any individual or group but more society in general. Several child-baring motivations that I find the most offensive are: a) because you want to save your marriage; b) because all your friends and/or siblings have kids; c) because you’d be a good mom so why not; d) because you want to have something to show for your life; e) because you won’t be a complete person without having a child. Pardon the harshness but I find one common thread between all of these is the whole selfish factor. Each one of these justifications makes the mom or dad feel better about themselves or tries to help them improve their lives. In my heart and in my conscience, I fully believe these are not only selfish reasons to have a kid – but boy howdy does it put enough pressure on said child before he/she is even born? You (and by you I don’t mean you the reader I mean a general reference to humankind)…ok back to writing. Where was I? Oh yeah….pressure on the zygote. Ok, so this poor kid comes into the world and before he/she can even hold his/her head upright and is expected to fix your marriage, keep you up with the Joneses, show off your maternal/paternal skills, be your show-n-tell at the playground, and/or complete you? I feel that if potential parents-to-be take an honest look in the mirror and assess their true motivations behind parenthood, there would be far fewer screwed up and spoiled people walking around these days.

Good Reasons……..Having said all of that (and some of y’all reading perhaps I touched a nerve and you’re ticked at me thus far but I promise to make it up to you here), there are some fantastic inspirations behind why many, many people today decide to give life. If you want to give birth because you believe you can put a decent human on this earth who can make it a better place, that’s a great place to start. If you want to give most of yourself and the best of yourself to help cultivate a child into a positive adult, I think that’s another joyous and wonderful cause for parenthood. There are tons of other pure and fantastic motives to have a child – some of which are difficult to articulate. The best way (I guess) that I can express it is that deep-down, below the surface, subconscious KNOWING that you are meant to have a child….more than a just a want – I guess you’d equate it more to a yearn. Kinda like you’d ache if you didn’t try your hardest to have a child and you can’t explain why, but you are quite certain that none of the ‘bad reasons’ listed above is the driving force deep down in your gut.

And after all that milling around is done on whether to proactively seek parenthood, you THEN realize that was the easy part! Yikes. The real work begins. From here on out just about every decision you make is influenced by the child in some way, shape, or fashion. On top of that, you are bringing him/her into a pretty terrifying world – yes, there are many lovely people, places, etc. for them to see but there is also some crazy evil out there as well. And you can’t protect them from every single scary nugget they will encounter – get real! To steal a phrase from my new-mom-stepsis, you want to insulate them from the world but not isolate them from reality. Now how in the ever-livin, ever-lovin heck you are supposed to find that balance beats the crappola out of me. And the level of discipline? And the amount of routine vs. flexibility? And pushing him/her too much or not enough? The list of decisions goes on and on and on and each and every one of them is paramount to how they will mature into adulthood. Daunting. I physically just got a chill thinking about it. Because in the end, if you do something a bit too extreme in one way or another it can have ramifications that last for YEARS deep down in his/her psyche, and it can affect how they parent their children so in a way you are affecting your own grandchildren and great-grandchildren and so on. Sorry for the run-on sentence – I was on a roll.

So you have all these decisions and you’ve got it all figured out in your perfect world right? Not-sa-much. Let’s throw a “Life’s Curveball” at you and THEN see how you parent. Something in life doesn’t go your way (and don’t kid yourself – some curveball, whether golfball, baseball, or basketball in size is headed your way) – divorce is a great example or the unexpected death of your parent is another or loss of a job – and you start getting a bit selfish in your decision-making. You start making choices that are best for you without regard to your children’s future or development. I’m not judging here – I don’t know how anyone could be selfless for at least 18 years while they are minors and beyond – I’m just pointing out what I’ve seen. When the going gets tough, most folks get selfish (I confess I fall into this category at times but am working on it). Ok, so you’ve made some selfish decisions - it happens……how long until you get back on that selfless train? It’s a doozy and I don’t envy those parents. Another chill just now.

At the end of all this pondering, I come back to the original question posed to me – Do I want children? I first want to say I have two amazing parents that would exceed anyone’s expectations – they love me unconditionally, they encouraged me, they didn’t spoil me too much, they aren’t overbearing, they let me make mistakes – all in all, they did a great job and I’m so happy I had folks that ‘got it’ as far as balancing a kid goes. But I digress (yet again - happens alot in my blog dontcha think?). Back to the question…..While I do not have a simple answer, I can say this. If I were ever blessed with becoming pregnant, I would try my 100% best to love him/her unconditionally, insulate (thx again for the great word Brandi) him/her from the malevolence out there in today's society, nurture him/her, and pass some of my better traits along. I would also try (at least) to correct some of my character flaws they may inherit so that they are better than I could ever be. With all that said, I currently am not motivated to proactively seek parenthood. There....I said it. Mystery solved. That guttural instinct or biological clock or whatever it is you want to call it has not ticked inside me - at least not for a while (it did in my twenties but now that I'm in my thirties I often question any of the logic I used back in my twenties). And when I do get an inkling, I try to identify the root cause for it and usually those root causes do not justify jumping on the next Clomid train. I'm sure some of you are thinking - "But what about when she held those sweet babies?" - Well of course when I held those sweet babies I wanted one! Who wouldn’t?! They are sweet and soft and vulnerable and pure and they smelled so good and my heart swelled when I was in their presence (again, apologies for the bad grammar and run-on). But it’s a short-term want and I am grateful that I can recognize it as such. As for long-term, I feel that I am a complete person with a very full life and have tons of love to go around to other people’s kids (like those little darlings I hung out with this weekend). Thankfully I’ve let go of the pressure to “have to” have kids.

As for all you parents, parents-to-be, and on-the-fence-but-leaning-towards potential parents, I admire you and am humbled by you. Your strength and courage and selflessness astounds me and I will forever be thankful for folks like you in the world. And for those of you who have chosen the route like mine, I must say I admire you too. Those subconscious pressures out there can be very persuasive and sometimes it takes some audacity and tenacity to stand up to it. I should know - I had the Clomid prescription in hand at one point. And for those out there who aren’t sure, I can’t encourage you enough to search deep within – you’ll make the right choice if you dig enough.

Next blog…. MUCH lighter fare to chew on…..this was some deep stuff and I’m spent……I’m thinking it will be food or wine motivated since that is often what motivates me. Tootles for now!