New Year, New Decade

As the year and the decade wind down, I just wanted to take a moment to step back and look at my life since 2000. This has been my decade of (personal-wise) highs and ultimate lows, but as of December 31, 2009 - I feel better about my self, my life, and my soul than I did most of the decade. I went through a long period of ultimate lows, where I really didn't like who I was or what I was doing, living each day pretending to be a different person than the shallow, ugly person below the surface. After I hit my lowest low, I realized that below the fake surface, and below the shallow, ugly person, there was a good, sweet, kind individual who was dying to reemerge. So each day since my epiphany, I have worked through the latter part of the decade to peel away that ugly layer on top of the real me - the new me. It layered over and over again during the mid-2000's so I continue to work at peeling those layers......microdermabrasion for the soul so to speak. :-) And now I'm loving life more than I can ever remember in my post-college adulthood.

So while I do not believe the next decade will be all sunshine and lollipops, I feel hope and confidence that from a purely personal standpoint, it's going to be a much healthier and happier decade. Many more highs, and hopefully the lows aren't very low. I pray that I will continue to grow and improve - because let's face it, ALL of us have room for improvement. I hope to be a little less bossy, a little more patient, and a little less of a procrastinator. But most of all, I hope and promise to try my best to be a kinder person. That is my decade resolution. So.....Bring it on 2010!!!! And bring it on this next decade - I'm ready, head held high.

Happy New Year!!

TiffoBiffo

*******I need to clarify something. My mom pointed out that it sounds like I thought I was a bad person - I don't believe I was ever a "bad person" - just a person who made bad decisions. And after realizing the ramifications of these decisions, I have learned so much and think it's actually enriched my life and my appreciation for kindness and long-term thought processing.

This message was never intended to be of a negative tone and for that I apologize for any confusion. It was supposed to be a message of hope and goodness for the present and the future. I'm truly sorry if it was read any other way.

Birthdays and the Big Picture

Today is my birthday. I LOVE my birthday. Thirty three years ago I joined the human population and have evolved many times over since then. I like to look back at the good, at the present good, and at the future good. Yep - today I'm ignoring any of my own character flaws or improvements I need to make. Today is ALL good.

One thing I can say about this birthday is that I like who I am, what I am, and what I'm not more than I have in a really long time. This past year (actually 2) has given me more wisdom about who I really am deep down. I like that I'm goofy, witty, and creative. I like that my brain thinks tangently random. I like that I am a genuinely happy person who likes most people. I like that I'm less selfish than I used to be. I like that I mostly like to play by the rules but not always. I like that I exercise regularly yet sporadically sometimes. I like that I love to cook and finally am doing more of it. I like that I'm on Facebook and have reconnected with so many amazing people from my past. I like that I have ugly feet with pretty nail polish on my toenails. I like that I get so excited about the little things in life. I like that I like to write, even if it's not a ton at a time. I like that I'm not afraid of that much - whether it be a tackling a new hobby, change in general, getting older, work, others not liking me.....none of those really scare me anymore. I like that I like to pay it forward. And I like that when you meet me, what you see is what you get.

While I'm on the subject of birthdays, I just want to interject something. NO ONE should ever be sad on their birthday. Especially about getting older......why? Because it is an exercise of (or in...not sure) futility to be sad about getting older. 100% of the people on this planet (and the animals and the plants and the bugs) age. There is not one single solitary thing you can do so why in the heck worry about it or be sad about it? Seriously.....you are officially older right this second as you read this sentence than you were when you started reading this blog. To me, I don't think about getting older that much. I don't really think about time too much. It makes me chuckle when people say "Can you believe it's already August?" Why yes.....yes I do believe it's already August. It happens 31 days after the beginning of July - time happens!!!! Not so profound. And no one should choose their birthday to reflect on the nots and the bads....let that be on another day - like New Year's Day when you are working on resolutions. Don't do it on the day your parents brought you into the world!!! It's a dishonor to them - they brought you here with endless possibilities! And for me (and for you the reader) life is still full of those possibilities. I think we all have taken advantage of many of these and are so lucky to have experienced so much! At 33, I look back and think about what a rich life I've lead thus far and how I can't wait to fill up the next 33 then the next 33. I have the biggest grin on my face as I type this.

To my mom and dad.......thanks for having me. Y'all did a great job raising me, and I loved my childhood. Thank you for providing me with love, discipline, hope, opportunity, faith, and laughter. I still remember y'all telling me the story of how dad made ribs and mom was eating them - full blown preggers - when Nadia scored the first ever perfect 10 at the Olympics - I was born a few days later. Not sure why I just shared this story - it just popped into my head. But that could explain why I love ribs so much!

Anyway, so far my birthday has been perfect. Some of you reading may think I'm crazy or perhaps self-involved.......what can I say - I think we should all take 1 little day to think that we totally kick ass - there are 365 days a year - it won't hurt for just one day! For those of you with a birthday coming up, I highly encourage you to reflect on what you love about yourself, what you have done so far, what you want to do......birthdays are all about YOU. Or in this case today.....all about ME. ;-)

XOXO~

33 and Fancy Free

Tiff’s Texas Tour of Babies 2009 – Part II – Do I want one?

Before, during, and after my visit the question of wanting children was posed to me countless times, usually in a very casual manner along the same lines of “do you want sweetener in your coffee?” Yet the question of wanting a child is so complex that it is almost insulting to the potential unborn child to say ‘sure’ or ‘not so much’…… This is human life we’re talking about after all. So it got me to thinking about what I feel are good and bad rationales to have children. I’ll start with the bad and finish on the good. And I wish I could more eloquently describe - but "good" and "bad" is vague enough for you the reader to interpret what I mean so I just went with it. It's my blog and I can do what I want to. :-p

Bad Reasons………There is a sad fact in the world today. I believe too many people are having children for the wrong reasons, and I intend NEVER to be one of them. I capitalize ‘never’ because I rarely use absolutes; however in this instance I feel compelled to get my point across. Throughout my adult life, I have felt subconscious pressures to become a mother – and most of the pressures were not positive. I do not blame this on any individual or group but more society in general. Several child-baring motivations that I find the most offensive are: a) because you want to save your marriage; b) because all your friends and/or siblings have kids; c) because you’d be a good mom so why not; d) because you want to have something to show for your life; e) because you won’t be a complete person without having a child. Pardon the harshness but I find one common thread between all of these is the whole selfish factor. Each one of these justifications makes the mom or dad feel better about themselves or tries to help them improve their lives. In my heart and in my conscience, I fully believe these are not only selfish reasons to have a kid – but boy howdy does it put enough pressure on said child before he/she is even born? You (and by you I don’t mean you the reader I mean a general reference to humankind)…ok back to writing. Where was I? Oh yeah….pressure on the zygote. Ok, so this poor kid comes into the world and before he/she can even hold his/her head upright and is expected to fix your marriage, keep you up with the Joneses, show off your maternal/paternal skills, be your show-n-tell at the playground, and/or complete you? I feel that if potential parents-to-be take an honest look in the mirror and assess their true motivations behind parenthood, there would be far fewer screwed up and spoiled people walking around these days.

Good Reasons……..Having said all of that (and some of y’all reading perhaps I touched a nerve and you’re ticked at me thus far but I promise to make it up to you here), there are some fantastic inspirations behind why many, many people today decide to give life. If you want to give birth because you believe you can put a decent human on this earth who can make it a better place, that’s a great place to start. If you want to give most of yourself and the best of yourself to help cultivate a child into a positive adult, I think that’s another joyous and wonderful cause for parenthood. There are tons of other pure and fantastic motives to have a child – some of which are difficult to articulate. The best way (I guess) that I can express it is that deep-down, below the surface, subconscious KNOWING that you are meant to have a child….more than a just a want – I guess you’d equate it more to a yearn. Kinda like you’d ache if you didn’t try your hardest to have a child and you can’t explain why, but you are quite certain that none of the ‘bad reasons’ listed above is the driving force deep down in your gut.

And after all that milling around is done on whether to proactively seek parenthood, you THEN realize that was the easy part! Yikes. The real work begins. From here on out just about every decision you make is influenced by the child in some way, shape, or fashion. On top of that, you are bringing him/her into a pretty terrifying world – yes, there are many lovely people, places, etc. for them to see but there is also some crazy evil out there as well. And you can’t protect them from every single scary nugget they will encounter – get real! To steal a phrase from my new-mom-stepsis, you want to insulate them from the world but not isolate them from reality. Now how in the ever-livin, ever-lovin heck you are supposed to find that balance beats the crappola out of me. And the level of discipline? And the amount of routine vs. flexibility? And pushing him/her too much or not enough? The list of decisions goes on and on and on and each and every one of them is paramount to how they will mature into adulthood. Daunting. I physically just got a chill thinking about it. Because in the end, if you do something a bit too extreme in one way or another it can have ramifications that last for YEARS deep down in his/her psyche, and it can affect how they parent their children so in a way you are affecting your own grandchildren and great-grandchildren and so on. Sorry for the run-on sentence – I was on a roll.

So you have all these decisions and you’ve got it all figured out in your perfect world right? Not-sa-much. Let’s throw a “Life’s Curveball” at you and THEN see how you parent. Something in life doesn’t go your way (and don’t kid yourself – some curveball, whether golfball, baseball, or basketball in size is headed your way) – divorce is a great example or the unexpected death of your parent is another or loss of a job – and you start getting a bit selfish in your decision-making. You start making choices that are best for you without regard to your children’s future or development. I’m not judging here – I don’t know how anyone could be selfless for at least 18 years while they are minors and beyond – I’m just pointing out what I’ve seen. When the going gets tough, most folks get selfish (I confess I fall into this category at times but am working on it). Ok, so you’ve made some selfish decisions - it happens……how long until you get back on that selfless train? It’s a doozy and I don’t envy those parents. Another chill just now.

At the end of all this pondering, I come back to the original question posed to me – Do I want children? I first want to say I have two amazing parents that would exceed anyone’s expectations – they love me unconditionally, they encouraged me, they didn’t spoil me too much, they aren’t overbearing, they let me make mistakes – all in all, they did a great job and I’m so happy I had folks that ‘got it’ as far as balancing a kid goes. But I digress (yet again - happens alot in my blog dontcha think?). Back to the question…..While I do not have a simple answer, I can say this. If I were ever blessed with becoming pregnant, I would try my 100% best to love him/her unconditionally, insulate (thx again for the great word Brandi) him/her from the malevolence out there in today's society, nurture him/her, and pass some of my better traits along. I would also try (at least) to correct some of my character flaws they may inherit so that they are better than I could ever be. With all that said, I currently am not motivated to proactively seek parenthood. There....I said it. Mystery solved. That guttural instinct or biological clock or whatever it is you want to call it has not ticked inside me - at least not for a while (it did in my twenties but now that I'm in my thirties I often question any of the logic I used back in my twenties). And when I do get an inkling, I try to identify the root cause for it and usually those root causes do not justify jumping on the next Clomid train. I'm sure some of you are thinking - "But what about when she held those sweet babies?" - Well of course when I held those sweet babies I wanted one! Who wouldn’t?! They are sweet and soft and vulnerable and pure and they smelled so good and my heart swelled when I was in their presence (again, apologies for the bad grammar and run-on). But it’s a short-term want and I am grateful that I can recognize it as such. As for long-term, I feel that I am a complete person with a very full life and have tons of love to go around to other people’s kids (like those little darlings I hung out with this weekend). Thankfully I’ve let go of the pressure to “have to” have kids.

As for all you parents, parents-to-be, and on-the-fence-but-leaning-towards potential parents, I admire you and am humbled by you. Your strength and courage and selflessness astounds me and I will forever be thankful for folks like you in the world. And for those of you who have chosen the route like mine, I must say I admire you too. Those subconscious pressures out there can be very persuasive and sometimes it takes some audacity and tenacity to stand up to it. I should know - I had the Clomid prescription in hand at one point. And for those out there who aren’t sure, I can’t encourage you enough to search deep within – you’ll make the right choice if you dig enough.

Next blog…. MUCH lighter fare to chew on…..this was some deep stuff and I’m spent……I’m thinking it will be food or wine motivated since that is often what motivates me. Tootles for now!

Tiff’s Texas Tour of Babies 2009 – Part I - Observations

So I just returned from a short jaunt to Texas to formally introduce myself to 2 newcomers on this lovely planet of ours. First stop – South Fort Worth to meet my 9 week old nephew, Lincoln. Second stop – Flower Mound to meet 6 week old college roommate baby, Landry. So off I went on this adventure of unchartered territory for me – newborns. What the heck do I know about newborns? I know you have to support their necks, and that they like to be bounced around, and for boys I knew that they can sneak a “spray” during changing time so ya gotta watch out for that. Other than that? CLUELESS.

One of the first things that really struck me was how poignantly aware these little individuals are. Every single millisecond their eyes are open, they are on high-alert, soak-in-the-surroundings mode……if I could put it into adult analogies (which everyone knows I love)…..they remind me of some kind of CSI agent – assessing the scene around them, making sure they do not miss even one minute detail, trying to make sense of what it is they are seeing. I guess the major flaw in this analogy is that babies seem to relish and enjoy the amazing scene they’ve just stumbled upon, which I am guessing is not the case with most CSI investigations. But I digress.

I was overwhelmed by how vulnerable these teeny human beings are. When you are carrying them around, they don’t even hang on yet – they 100% rely and trust you not to drop them (and NO all you haters out there, I didn’t drop anyone!). They 100% rely and trust that you (actually their mom’s boobs) are going to feed them. They 100% rely and trust that you won’t let them drown in the bath, that you will put them in warm enough clothes, that you will keep them dry and de-soiled. They rely on you for EVERYTHING. They can’t even grip a whole lot yet (unless it’s hair, a necklace, or an earring).

Another quite obvious observation is how much they eat, sleep, and poo/pee. There is not a huge amount of playtime with them at this age. However I must admit that watching them during those precious playtime moments are mesmerizing……you want to make sure you hear each and every gurgle and catch every last facial expression. But back to the E S & PP…..the quantity of all of them is mind boggling. SO much nursing, SO many naps, and SOOOO much of the poos and pees. And the more I thought of the male aspect of the whole experience this weekend it made me think..... how much is really going to change between now and when they get much older? They will still love to sleep, will still love to poop, will still love to eat, and will still appreciate boobs even if it is in an entirely different fashion. Come to think of it, men really are simple creatures.

On to parenting styles…..where to begin. I believe both sets of parents are laid back and go-with-the-flow but it amazed me how many differences there can be in parenting style at this age. I know what you’re thinking….”well Duh Tiffany” – aside: I’m glad the use of “No Duh” is no longer popular in the common English vernacular – it’s demeaning but in this instance I’m sure it crept into your subconcious. But I’m talking the iddy biddy differences. For example - # of times the diaper gets changed. One parent set went through 5-ish diapers a day making sure he squeezed out enough #2 to justify the change, yet the other set changed after each pee which resulted in more of a 10+ daily diaper allotment. Neither is wrong and quite frankly I don’t know where I’d be on this sliding scale, it’s just an observation about how a minor philosophical detail can be so different from 2 parental points of view.

What I must compliment also is the papa involvement from both fathers. If I ever get knocked up…..er….or “blessed with child” I guess I should say……….the baby daddy better be prepared for teamwork. I heard a story of a dad sleeping in another room so he could get good rest during his kid’s first 3 months of life and let the mom handle the midnight issues since she was on maternity leave. BS in a BIG WAY Mister! I’d wake that a-hole up on purpose whether he helped or not. The way I see it, if the baby is 50% my egg and 50% his sperm – that should also compute to the lack of sleep percentages. Just sayin. (And pardon the quasi-French usage.....it really ticked me off when I heard that.)

What I loved to watch most were the moms. These two wonderful women are so in tuned to what their baby wants and when they want it. Both of these moms have softened - not that they were harsh before - there is just something so serene and gentle about them now. AND what’s even more incredible is that the baby knows exactly when their mother is holding him – ya can’t fool a baby. Not grandma, not aunt, not friend, and not daddy can sub in at those times – ONLY mama will do. Extraordinary phenomenon. But then when I think about, sometimes I need comfort and support; and as sweet as my friends are, as supportive as my dear sweet Rob can be, as loving and kind as my dad is, sometimes no one will do except for my mother. I need to hear what SHE has to say about the situation, what HER opinions are, whether or not SHE approves – I believe this very well could have stemmed from birth after watching these two little guys this weekend.

At the end of it all, I can tell you with utmost (albeit opinionated) certainty, that one of the best feelings I’ve ever had throughout my existence here on Earth (so I guess I'll have to exclude that Jupiter stint a few years back.....sorry....just making an observation about my own bloviating) is having a baby sleep on my chest as I relaxed and held him (this goes for both babies - see pics above). I envy their sleep. I wish I could slumber as deeply and purely and soundly as they do. One mom asked me what I thought they dreamed about……..other than the obvious milk & boob conquest on the good side, and the nightmare trip through the suffocating birth canal on the nightmare side, I can’t think of much that would make them restless, or in need of a sleep aid or cocktail to help them doze.....must be nice. They don't need a paper and pen by the bed to help them go back to sleep. But enough about sleep. Another certainty (again, my opinion but in this blog my opinion is law so HA!) I can remember very few times in my life where I have been more enamored with anyone or anything while just watching them move or make faces. The level of entertainment provided by those wiggly arms and legs, that head that wants to be steady but often is just too heavy to hold upright, or that cute little diaper baby butt that seems to calm them down when you pat it while bouncing them – it’s better than a “Real Housewives of New Jersey” marathon on Bravo!

And I can’t remember being asked sooooo frequently, “Does this experience make you want to have one?” Pretty simple question to throw out at someone dontcha think? Hmph. But a very deep, complicated, complex answer. More to follow on the next blog………..Part II – Do I want one?

Great 4th of July weekend!

So what does one do on a perfectly gorgeous California 4th of July weekend? LIVE in the sun of course! I can not remember ever laying around that much in one weekend and not feeling like a slug even one little bit!!! On Friday, Rob and I packed up the beach chairs and headed to a private beach called Paradise Cove in Malibu - it is my favorite beach!! Yes, you have to pay to park there and if you don't eat there the parking is SOOOOO expensive, but as long as you spend $20 on food/drinks at the restaurant, it's so worth it. Learned a few lessons there - first the economics of it all.........little did I know you could bring your own food and drink and while that seems anti-economical (see parking ref above), I never took into account that one light adult beverage would hover in the $9 range - highway robbery!!! So my little Aggie brain went ta mathin'......and I see that if put a little elbow grease into packing a cooler, I can get 6 for the price of 1! Brilliant. I will go back and I will be smarter. Next lesson - timing.......if you want a killer spot at Paradise Cove you must time it precisely. Why? Because if you get there too early, you may get a good spot but the fog may still linger and keep the temps in the nippy, breezy 60s and by the time it blows off your 4-hour time limit is up (and you pay the $25 to park no matter what you bought at the restaurant). However if you wait until 11 (like my sidekick and I), you will park in the annex lot (for which my little sportscar should never treck but it did with the teensiest of bottoming out) and you will have to carry your belongings ~ and we all know those can be bulky and numerous on a beach outing ~ all the way down the hill (oh yeah, and back UP the hill when it is time to leave). And then you will have to scuttle and scurry all over to find enough sand to plop the aforementioned belongings. Having said that, we had a jolly good time and I really want to take my dear friend Courtney when she comes to visit.

Saturday and Sunday were no exception to the sun exposure. Rob got me the coolest floating mattress for the pool - it has a cupholder and pillow and you don't touch the water unless you desire that effect. I was able to knock out several hundred pages of the last Harry Potter (re-reading since I just re-read the 6th one in prep of the movie) without getting any pages wet - it was great! My lessons for the pool revolve around sunscreen - that stuff works when you reapply! Imagine that. I was able to be in the sun on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday without getting burned but got the nice glow.

Ok, I promise future blogs will be more interesting ~ I was just enjoying the memories of the weekend! God Bless America!!!!!!!!!!!

Here Goes Nothing.....

Today's pondering is about my cat, Mr. Big. He's a big 'ol bag-o-fur that I love in spite of his personality and tendency to drive me batty with worry or annoyance. He sheds wherever he lays and he never sticks to one spot so it's not like I can concentrate the fur into one area for easy cleanup (did I mention my boyfriend is allergic?). He whines every night for wet food even though his kibble bowl is full and when he finally gets the wet food (after raising his voice an octave and increasing the frequency of each meow, which in his tone sounds much like "NOW, NOW, NOW") he leaves bites of it to get crusty and hard for me to clean. He goes outdoors but refuses to poop there hence leaving me with a big mess in the litter box and a smattering of gray granules all over the laundry room. He sometimes cries loudly in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning for absolutely no reason at all - none, other than to wake his slave (me) from a pleasant albeit light slumber. When he does go out he rarely returns when called and instead comes back at his leisure, which is usually around 3am. And lately after these returns various chunks of fur are missing, as well as his collar and tag causing my heartrate to elevate and my inherited "worry gene" to go into overdrive. As far as affection goes on my end, when I pet him a millisecond longer than he'd like, or I touch a hair a centimeter off the beaten path.....hell hath no fury like an overloved cat - he bites!!! And not that "play bite" that many naive fools think of when they first approach him. We're talking chunks of skin outta your hand, bleeding won't stop so easy bites. He doesn't know how to play bite or play scratch - it's an all-out attack on his foe and he's a scrappy little fella so watch out!

So why the heck do I love this loud, mean, high-maintenance furball? I first fell in love the night I brought him home from the shelter. They told me to keep him in the bathroom at least the first night if not more so that he wouldn't hide under the bed - the bathroom would make him more comfortable with his own surroundings. 30 minutes after I got him home he had comfortably sniffed the entire bathroom, eaten a bit, AND used the litter box. He was bored and ready to explore some more - no hiding for this cat!

Then there's the mashing. I love the purry mashing. When he jumps up on my chest, and as my friend Sarah says, he starts "making biscuits" - almost like he's kneading me, or the comfy blanket, or his cat bed....to get it just perfect for him to settle into all snugly. Then, like a stuffy Brit debutant, sits/lays down with perfect poise and posture. I give him a slight scratch under then chin and on come the purr machines! I love it!

And this is a new one.........when he goes outside, I love love love the 'scratch and roll' he does on the concrete. When he goes outside, one of his first activities in the routine is to Stop. Drop, and Roll on the concrete. I can't really figure out why but he seems to love it. Does he want to get filthy? Does it scratch him? Is it the temperature of the surface? Beats me. 

Lastly, he's a dear and loyal friend.  Over the last few years, any time I've felt lonely or homesick, he's little eyes look at me and all is right with the world.  I love Mr. Big...........I really do.

I promise no other blogs from this site will be this boring...........it was my first one. Live and learn.